Last Supper
The whisper of the orchids tell me
They have seen me before
I walk here my first time
Yet, in the same bound
I conquer time and continents
It is no longer passing scenery
No longer bread for a later supper
Only, another meal fried by the locals
And if I look out of place
And can not explain enough
It is because my eyes have been shaded
The wild dogs know
For they sit at my feet
As if I fed and sheltered their years
Why do I see an old friend within thy eyes
My fate has guided me long enough
So I can rest a little along the only shoreline
And share all that I have with my brethren
But not for the last time

Thailand Journel
Wednesday July 28, 2004 Bangkok, Thailand
After arriving at the Bangkok airport at about 11:30 pm, I exchanged my currency and then took my bags to the main exit. There were gates with hundreds of men standing with signs with people’s names. I continued through the narrow path to find the airport taxi stand with was outside the nicely air conditioned terminal. A blast of Bangkok heat came blowing at me and the air was dense. Then a Thai man came up to me and said “taxi?”, I said no, and pointed at the taxi stand. He said “No, no, me airport taxi” and I glanced at the long line for the taxi kiosk and estimated at least a half hour wait, then said “Ok, how much”, he said “550 bhat”, now this price I know was more expensive than the 300B that the school estimated we should pay, but I was tired and just wanted to get to my hotel. It was only about 10 bucks anyway. So I agreed and paid him then, and he took me out to the car. From there I got my first glimpse of the city and the infamous traffic, though it was only a glimpse. Pulling into the hotel down a back alley, with a outside restaurant and food market right on the side of the car I was a bit worried to the type of hotel I would be staying at. Then he pulled up to the main entrance and a bell boy came out and helped me with my bags, I checked in with no problems and he took me up to my room. It was air conditioned, and that was all I needed to sleep. I took a quick shower, which was more like standing in the rain due to the lack of water pressure. Then lights out and sleep came easily, for I had only gotten about 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours.
Thursday July 29, 2004
Woke up to sounds of construction out right out in the hallway. Turns out they are re-modeling the hotel, just my luck. It is about 8:30am, and I get dressed and contemplate what I am going to do today. I end up going down for breakfast in the hotel restaurant, this consisted of toast with strawberry jelly, watermelon, cantaloupe, and papaya, just enough to not feel hungry. I decided to venture outside the hotel and walk the city streets in search for….ah yes, an international phone to call my mom back home. I saw a 7-11 sign from my balcony at the hotel that didn’t seem too far away. I walk down these back streets and pretend like I know where I’m going. The streets has the smell as if we were in a giant wok, street vendors with carts of food, most of them fried or grilled. Dogs calmly walk the streets and eat what scraps are available. The people stare at me as I walk past their open houses and some smile. The pattern of the city streets makes no sense to me, they curve around and turn, and there are so many of them. Finally I reach the main road, and the traffic is crazy. I see 7-11 off in the distance and head for it like a bug to a porch light, it’s the only familiar sight around. Crossing the highway proved difficult, well difficulty verging on insanity. There are no traffic lights to be seen and the traffic is like a brick wall with a continous stream of motorcycles, busses, trucks, tuk-tuks, and taxis. Finally I make my way sprinting though a hole in it and make my way across the two lanes and get to the median where you have just enough room to stand and wait to cross the opposing lanes of traffic. After several minutes I make my way to the 7-11 and walk inside expecting to see familiar drinks and food, but no such luck. It all looked like a giant cartoon, with wacky figures and smiling bunnies and turtles on the packaging. I decide only to buy a phone card for 300B, which I have no clue to how many minutes I would get out of it, but whatever, I’m already sick of being the foreigner. After walking outside with my phone card in hand I search for a international phone booth. Walking down the street in Bangkok is like playing hop scotch when I was a kid. There are numerous vendors with stuff laid out on the side, and random pot holes leading to the sewer, and people you just don’t want to get near. I see a phone not too far away and make a stab at calling home. No luck, phone card doesn’t work with this type of phone, next phone please. So after trying several phones in the area I make my way back to the 7-11 to ask where I can use it at, and to my amazement I see a phone glued to the side of the 7-11 that says international, and has the same company name that is written on my card, “LENSO”. So go figure. Make the call and let everyone know I’m still alive (barely), and all that good stuff. Next I got to go to Thammasat and figure out what I’m supposed to do next. So I check out of my hotel, and take all my bags to Thammasat, well just my backpack and a large duffel bag, and meet the International Office staff, they are all very nice and were easy to talk to. I check in with them and find out that it is up to me to find a place to stay, but no biggie eh? So I’m now homeless in Bangkok and am playing it cool with the staff, but they were very helpful in giving me all the places to stay around here. I also met Gok-kai, and Thai student that works in the international office. She greets me with a smile that also makes me smile back. She gives me suggestions of places to say and helps guide me through it on a map that they also gave me. I’d have to say she is really the first Thai girl that is just beautiful and very pleasant to talk to. She says she has to go to class, or else she could show me around. So I said it was nice to meet her and she surprised me by making me repeat her name which I had no clue at all, so I’m sure I made a good impression. She repeated her name “Gok-kai, its my nick name. Kai means chicken and gok is like the sound they make, gok-gok-gok.” Hah, now I get it, I laugh and repeat her name. Then she continues off to class while I’m stuck in the international office staring at the map wondering where I’m going to stay tonight. Then another girl comes in a she looks Thai, so I’m still staring at my map and she asks me in perfect English why I’m at Thammast. So I find out that she is also an international student from Iowa. She was staying at the Thammasat dorm and didn’t know of the other options from the apartments in the area. So we both ventured out together looking at the list that I had and the out of scale map leading us on. Luckily, as I soon found out, she had been studying the Thai language before and knew how to speak it very well. So we were able to find the apartments and talk to the Offices to find out what was available and how much it would cost, well she was able to. She was a lifesaver and it seemed like she was my tour guide. It turned out that she is from Laos, Thailand’s neighboring country. Pam is fun to walk with and good company for Bangkok, because I was starting to get lonely and depressed about this whole situation. So we find one place that is fairly close to campus and in good condition, the room is pretty big and there are beds where you can spit into two for a second person. The price was 8,000B a month, which split in half would be 4,000B which is about $100 a month. Not bad at all considering the school will be giving us 14,000B a month as a stipend. So we end up at campus again and I still don’t know where I’ll be staying for the night. They end up calling the hotel for me and setting up a room with another student who just arrived today. So that sounds good, right. Sure I’ll be staying the night with someone who I’ve never met before, well its all part of the experience. So I head back to the hotel, and leave my big duffel bag in their office for the night. I wanted to walk but I really had no clue where I was going, just the general direction. So I head off and basically stay straight and look at the crude map that the school had that I also used for searching for apartments. After about 15 minutes of walking I’m starting to feel lost, then a Tuk-tuk driver pulls over and starts yelling at me to get into his three wheeled motorcycle. Well, at first I told him I was walking to my destination and pointed at the map, but he started laughing and said “no, no, you walk right into river”, so I took that as I was going the wrong direction. So I gave up and asked how much and he said fifty bhat. I thought this was too much so I said I don’t have any bhat on me, how about one American dollar, he said two, so I agreed. Anything to get back to the hotel sometime today. So I get in and he whips into traffic, while busses and motorcycles are flying around us shooting black smoke into my lungs. That’s one thing I figured out about this city, if the traffic won’t kill you then the pollution will. So he heads in the general direction, then he turns back and yells “you see big Buddha now…you see it now, you got camera?”, “no, no back to the hotel, Samsen road”, I yell back. “Extra money, one more dollar”, I am frustrated by this point and just hand over the dollar figuring my life was already in his hands, and I didn’t want to piss him off. He takes it and continues on driving but a minute later he insists on the big Buddha, I keep saying no, no, hotel, so he eventually gives in and takes me there. That was a bit frightening because he didn’t want to take me to the place I needed to go, then as he is about a block away he says “need more money, tip, for tip”. I say get me to the hotel first, so that gave him an incentive to actually get me close enough where I could see the hotel. As he stops again near the hotel he says “pay now, more money” so I give him another dollar and jump out of the cart. Man that was deadly. It cost 4 dollars which is about 160B, three times as much if I would have just given him the 50B. So I get checked in at the hotel and meet Jason, my roommate. He’s from Atlanta, Georgia and quite a humorous character. So I get settled in and go to sleep another night.
Friday July 30, 2004
Again I wake up to construction and the banging of a hammer on my inner ear. I try to sleep more and indeed I go to sleep for another half hour when I wake up to the phone ringing, this time in my other ear. It was the lady at Thammast U. She said there were two other guys there looking for apartments and I was the so called ‘expert’ since I went the day before and saw most of the ones in the area. So I talked to the guy, his name was Brandon and it turned out I had met him before on the airplane from Tokyo to Bangkok and then again at Thammast the first day, just briefly. So he came back to New World Lodge, where we were both staying, and me and Jason met up with him and Dave. Dave is from the UK but was going to college in Maine and Brandon lives and goes to college in Spokane, Washington. Both of them are good guys and easy to get along with. So I gave them a briefing on the appts. in the area. Then acquired taxi and showed them the best ones that I had thought were good close to the school. The taxi ride there was, to say the least, interesting. The driver spoke no English at all and the crude map from before was useless. He just started driving according to the picture on the map and he eventually raidoed in to the taxi headquarters and was talking and laughing on the radio for about two minutes. Us guys in the taxi, there were four of us, didn’t know what to do or say and we just all looked at each other wondering where exactly we would end up. Suddenly he just handed me the radio, because I was sitting in the passenger seat (which is actually the driver’s seat in the U.S., this is also a weird experience), so he hands me the radio and I am really speechless, I don’t know if I am supposed to say in English where we want to go or tell my life story. So I just say “Ruen Indra court apartments?!” and a thai voice comes back and I don’t know what he is saying, of course it is not in English. So he shoves the radio back in my face and I repeat it again. No luck in anyone understanding where we need to go. So the driver, who I got was a nice guy and was just laughing at the situation not at us, pulled over to ask some guys at the bus station if they could decipher the map to where we wanted to go. So we wait a few minutes then he comes back and zooms back into traffic, and it looks like he has an idea where we are headed. So we get to our destination in one piece. We check out the apts. and agree that they are pretty nice but the rest of the guys want to see the others so that they can have something to compare this place to. So I show them to the other place which was above this large food/clothing/misc. market and that in itself was crazy enough walking through that they decided not to even bother looking at a room. So we take the ferry across, which was right next to the market, the Chao Phraya river to Thammast, literally straight across the river. The river is a nice brown acid color that seems to be cemented in around the city, nothing new. We arrive at Thammast after dodging a few barges and speeding boats and then have to basically jump off the ferry to the dock. We then walk up and aim for Thammast which is about 200 yards away. I stop at the Thai Military bank and open an account there for the school to put my monthly stipend. This was no easy task, and I signed my name about eight times on pieces of paper covered in Thai writing. So yea, I probably sold my kidneys and my soul and all my possessions to the black market. After I get this done we all walk over to the International office to say hello to the nice people there. We tell them about our day and the apartments we’ve seen and we get promising reactions. Brandon and Dave had to be out of the hotel before 12 so they left their bags in our room until they found a place. So they were homeless for a bit also, until they decided on a place to stay. We met Pam there and she said she could show us the Dorm’s if we wanted to stay there. It is a 45 minute bus ride each day but the rent is cheap, 2,000B a month. So we say what the heck and head over in a taxi to check it out. Ok, now there is five of us, six including the driver, packed in a car that was tight with four passengers. I think the driver was a little mad at the situation so he preteneded like he didn’t know where he was going and drove in circles for a bit to increase our fare. Pam was yelling at him in Thai so we figured it wasn’t a good situation. At any rate we eventually arrived at our destination. The dorm was pretty big and fully furnished, so it wasn’t bad at all, just the commute was torturous. We decided to take the bus back to see what it would be like, and the amount of pollution I inhaled during that trip had to be equal to a pack of cigarettes. It was a long trip, but we saw a lot of the city and people on the way back. The traffic was horrible and that is the only reason why it takes so long. A motorcycle could probably make it to Thammasat in 10 minutes. So Dave and Brandon decide that the Ruen Indra would be our best bet, for the money and the quality it is actually decent. So they ran back to the apartments and got things squared away and then came back to the hotel to get their bags and the money they need for the deposit. Me and Jason check in for the night and decide we will also get an apt. at Ruen Indra. Later I headed out to give some of my family a call, but no one was available and I left messages with 3 different people. Then I walked back to the hotel and a street restaurant caught my eye, and my stomach. It caught it because the sign was written in English and there was vegetarian dishes available also. The place had wooden tables and chairs with an array of plants fencing of the area. There was Thai Jazz music playing, this also was very interesting and relaxing. The lights had red cloth over them so there was a glow about the place. I sat down and ordered some jasmine tea and vegetarian Pad Thai. The chef was off to the side in plain view and I watched him cook my whole meal, and once the food was set down with chopsticks I dug in. This food was amazing! Everything was fresh and crunchy. It had fried noodles and tofu which was seasoned with pepper. There was snap peas and carrots and spinach in with the noodles. There was fresh cucumber and lettuce as a garnish and little lime like citrus fruit cut on the side. It was the perfect amount to eat, enough to not be hungry but not too much as to I feel it was a chore, unlike most restaurants in the U.S. I could eat this way everyday, and I probably will too. Paid 55B, $1.40, and this also adds to the taste. Then I went back to the hotel and read a bit of Thoreau and went to bed.
Saturday July 31, 2004
Woke up at about 8am to the ever pleasant sound of construction in the hotel. This will be my last day here so I am not worried. Me and Jason made a basic plan for the day: Get breakfast, Go to bank and get money for deposit and rent-12,000B each. Then off to apartment to sign lease and set up our room. OK so off we go and we get it done without incident. Our room is actually nice though not like a regular apartment back home. It is a big room, two single beds, a TV and stand, desk, bookshelf, and wardrobe. Towards the back there is a area with a faucet and cabinets underneath. The bathroom is nice too, all of it is recently renovated and it has A/C too, definitely a plus. What I like best is that the bathroom door is the classic Asian style sliding door. All very clean and good enough for living. So we get set up and make a list of things we need to buy…
Toilet paper (a must)
Pillows and bed sheets
Towels
Food and rations
And anything else we could use for eating or drinking. Luckily the room came with 6 big bottles of water which cost us 90B. So we didn’t have to worry about carting tons of water around Bangkok. We head out and search for any one of those items. We find a small convenience store where we get six rolls of toilet paper for 40B. We keep walking and see a fruit vendor and buy a bundle of mini bananas for 25B. These taste just like their larger brother but just a quarter of the size. We decide to turn around because the distant roads don’t look to promising. We later find out it is the Buddhist lent holiday and many places are closed. So we head back to our place and as we arrive we spot Brandon and Dave walking up too. They say there’s a department store not too far away where we can get a pillow and some sheets, they basically have everything. Dave bought an acoustic guitar there for 1,100B ($27.00), which was some weird Asian brand and didn’t sound too good, but it was still cool and that kept my hopes up because I had been going through guitar withdraws. By this time Jason was tired and so he decided to go back to the room and Brandon and Dave walked with me back to the department store. They led me through the maze of vendors and citizens to the areas they found to be a good deal and they had what I needed so that was fine with me. I got 2 pillows, one for me and one for Jason, @ 89B each. Next I got a bed sheet set that had and cover and pillow case for 215B. Then Dave showed me to the guitar section where I scoped out the situation. They had some nice ones and they were pretty cheap, but I decided to hold off until I got my stipend to buy one. We then went to the Super market down at the bottom of the Department store. There was enough food items there to overwhelm me so I got the basics: Bread, strawberry jelly, peanut butter, cashews, chips, and two plastic bowls and a fork and spoon set. All this was about 340B, eight bucks. We head back and by this time it was getting dark. That’s another thing I noticed about this city, the sun rises fairly early at 6am and sets at about 6pm. So it starts feeling late at around 7pm but really that is no even close to being late. Well we arrive back without difficulty, which is a rarity, and I take my stuff up and show Jason what I got. I did pretty good for my first try at purchasing necessities. After a while we went down to get food at the restaurant in the bottom of our building. This place also has a nice atmosphere, it is roofed yet two walls are open to the outside. The rear is open to a Asian style garden with large palm trees and wooden benches, very beautiful. We sit down and I figure out what I can eat. None of it was vegetarian so I had to go with the Pad Thai which had chicken and tofu. I ordered and said “Pad Thai, mai kai.” My first attempt at speaking Thai because our waitress spoke no English, I did it correctly and there was no chicken on my plate when it was brought out. This meal was also very good and I drank regular black tea with it. A bit more expensive than I thought, but not a problem, only 100B or $2.50. So we finish and start walking and run into some more students that are staying here from Thammasat. Brandon and Dave arrive also and we all talk and introduce each other. 3 of them are from the University of California, but different locations. They said that there were also 9 others from U.C. that would be studying here. Brandon and I are trying to make plans to go to the beach before our orientation starts, in about 6 days from now. So we leave it up in the air to who ever wants to go, knowing that it is about a 3 hour bus ride but really cheap. So after a bit I said goodnight and went to get online at the computer room to send emails to people to make sure they knew I was still alive. Then up to my room to type this….then to sleep I hope.
Sunday August 1, 2004
“Crash!! Oh crap.” I’m now deciding weather I should ignore what I just heard or go back to sleep. I look over towards the noise and I see a broken glass cup on the floor and Jason standing by the bathroom. He accidentally knocked off the glass that I set on the counter by the bathroom. See this is the thing about Jason, he doesn’t have good use of his lower extremities and his coordination is quite poor. He had put his hand on the counter to balance himself while attempting to reach to bathroom. I look over and it’s about 9:30am, at least it’s not too early, so I get up to help him clean it up. We improvise and use a cloth to sweep and a piece of paper as a dust pan. So we get that cleaned up and I get ready for the day ahead. We made plans to search for some fresh fruit to buy and something where we can heat up water for tea or noodles. We first head out towards the boat dock where there is a market. The walk is about 15 minutes and we always see something new. I took many pictures this time of everything that stood out. I must really seem like a tourist now, camera in hand, snapping photos at the people and children smiling and laughing at us. As we approach to market we see a nice bakery and dessert store that we seem to wander into. It’s a nice place and everything looks edible, which for me is quite a challenge to find. I find a long skinny loaf of bread that looks good, it was full raisins and spices. So I buy it for 25B and we head out to the market. I start eating the bread and it was really good, the raisins ended up to be prunes but that was still alright with me. We reach the market and start aimlessly wandering through the maze of carts and vendors that are half indoor and half outdoor. Its really hard to explain how these places are set up. There are a lot of women’s clothes, purses and shoes, and random gadgets. I saw a man with a cloth set out with jade carvings on it. This caught my eye, he had square light green jade carvings for a necklace and also just smooth circle ones. I then saw a smaller carving that was a Buddhist mudra, a religious hand gesture usually used on statues of Buddha. I ended up buying the jade green one for 80 B, about 2 bucks. Then we continued on until we got overloaded with too much, we sat down and got something to drink and then headed back to our apartment. On the way back we stopped at a fruit vendor and got a watermelon for 25B. We continued back over the bridge and looked down at the river and saw these boys swimming in the river, they were have a great time of it. I took pictures and then we got back to the Apt. After great thought we decided to use Jason’s little pocket knife to cut up this watermelon. The size is about the same of a cantaloupe, not gigantic like the ones back home. We managed to get it open and scooped some out into the bowls we got the day before. This was good stuff and just what we needed after the long walk. The temperature is a lot like a hot day in Richmond, but a lot more humid. The sun shows no mercy and the pollution seems to open the atmosphere and doubles the intensity. I have yet to find sun tan lotion, yet I’ve heard they have SPF of up to 120. Anyway, we ate some melon and then made some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Then a half hour later Brandon knocks on our door to see what we had been up to. We talk for a bit and there is word about heading out to Ko Chang, an Island off the coast and about a three hour bus ride. This sounds promising but anything can happen so I keep my schedule open. Brandon says he’s going lay down for a bit because he is still trying to get use to the time difference. So I hang out for a bit and then Jason and I decide to go to the department store, the one I had visited the day before. We head down and get Brandon, then start on our way to the stores. We start walking but then notice one of the girls we met was about a hundred yards behind us. We waited to talk and it turned out to be Ellen, a Swedish student. She is a sweet girl, about my height, but defiantly Swedish. Her English is not good, but not bad either. I think she can understand it better than she can speak it. She joins our party, and off we head to the Department store. It is about a 15 minute walk and once we get close the congestion and walking traffic increases. There are many people selling random items on the sidewalk and, of course, food. Almost everything sold on the streets here are fried or grilled. The things I had found appealing would be the grilled bananas, and grilled corn. Everything else was unidentifiable and some of it made me gag. We get to the Department store, which is about eight stories tall. This place is more like a mall without the individual stores. Probably like a giant Wal-mart shortened and stacked up on each other. The vendors are have their own people and you pay in that area. There is always a person standing eight feet off watching you and seeing if you need any help. Other shoppers where filtering through the small aisles and people were everywhere. We picked up some groceries in the food store at the bottom of the building, we got some corn flakes and I bought soy milk while Jason got regular milk. We also bought a big knife for future melons and some jasmine tea. We needed something to heat water so we went to the appliance section and I wandered into some watches that were 199B, so I got a basic one, it says Sottas on the band and it is dark green. Good enough to know what time it is in Bangkok. We also found an “automatic kettle” that is electric and is just what we needed, for 255B. By now we about ready to hit the eject button because the amount of energy and people that surrounds us. We try to exit but we end up going out the back, and had to walk though another street market to get back to the entrance from which we started. We decide to take a taxi back because Jason has yet to get acclimated to this much walking. It is difficult for him, with so many people around it is hard for him to maneuver his walking sticks so as not to crush anyone. The steps kill him also, but sill I commend him for even making the trip. We look into our empty wallets and find all we have is 50B, all in coins. So we figure it should be enough, if not we would tell him to stop if it get close to our fare limit. I show him the apartment card where we live, which is written in Thai and is our lifesaver. He looks at it for a bit then starts off. We make it there and the fare is only 37B. We pay him and we go back up to the room to chill and decompress. We test out the water kettle and it seems to hold up just fine. We munch on some lays chips and some cashews. Its about six now and the sun is starting to go down. Brandon knocks on our door and says he just got back from the department store, we ended up getting split up, but not biggie. We talk more about this island adventure, and not much seems to be known about how we can get on a bus and go there for a day or so. Brandon leaves to get some food and says he will try to find out more….then I go to typing….Ok back again. Went out to get some cash in case I actually go to the island tomorrow. It was dark out and my first trip alone at night in Bangkok. This was a little intimidating, but I managed to survive. Of course I got more stares and random shoutings in Thai than usual, but I survived and am back to tell. I also saw some tentacles on a stick for sale, like a kabob, interesting to say the least. I withdrew 2,000B, and walked carefully with my wallet in my front pocket. I stopped at a 7-11 and got some bottled green tea with honey, this was surprisingly tasty because my last bottled tea that I got in Japan while I was waiting for my connecting flight tasted like liquid rice. So I leave and enter another little store where I finally get a lighter to light my incense. Then I decide to walk further down this road where I had not previously traveled, looking but not expecting to find a decent restaurant where some signs were in English. No such luck. I head back and then turn down another road to see if there was anything. There were many people who were saying things in Thai to me and I just smiled and walked on, some shouted out loud then I would hear others laughing behind me. I’m sure it would be easy to make fun of me in my face and I would have no idea what they were saying, in fact I’m positive that’s what they were doing. Well, I continue on until I reach an area where the street lights stop, so I figured that I should also. I turn around and head back to my place. I of course make it just fine, although I was a bit nervous. I tried out the lighter and it shoots a flame 2 feet in the air on the lowest setting, I almost burned my eyebrows off. I ended up going down to use the internet but found out they had turned the computers all off, but Brandon was down there on his way up, so we talked about tomorrow. The plans are a little clearer but still very uncertain. He looked some stuff up on the internet earlier and found where the bus station was and how much it would cost. He wasn’t sure about places to stay but claimed there were a lot of bungalows that are easily rented. We would probably stay for only one night, but who really knows. We made plans to wake up at 7am and meet at 7:30 downstairs. So off I go to discover another day.

sweeet it works...will be posting soon, hopefully.

i need to post stuff, hope this works!!

 
do we forget those who offer humanity
the abundance is left
to set a model
for those who quest in captivity
there's never a mode for normal
never a road to that calls their name
yet the things of this earth bring them to fame
set in the record books
all for being a relatable consequence
but those who slip under the radar
have all the more to live for
lighter than those set in stone
delightfully looking at the world without scrutiny

 
theres a gurgle starting to boil. you think I can make it?
a new world will soon be under my feet.

Getting ready to jump ship.... E.T.A: Wendsday 22:50,  Destination: Bangkok

Yes, I do take baths every so often. And these were written in one:

Rose in Winter

Have you ever seen a rose’s bloom in winter?
The petals doesn’t ask for any warmth to survive
Yet winter will melt its own beauty
For another’s to last but one more day
This is the generosity and sacrifice of our mothers

Returning Home

If you ask me how I can easily forget the worries of this world
I will ask how you can forget the beauty of this world
And if in the moment you cannot feel bliss
Then you must take another chance at life
If you said I had cancer
I would say there is not a dark spot on my inside
And if you ask for but one word from above,
Or a hand to gently guide into the unknown
Then you may never learn
Just as fathers must let go of their children
When they first want freedom on two wheels
It is the trust and faith of our father,
That we might willfully turn around and come back one day

It was raining so hard that I put on my bathing suit to go to the grocery store....

Worry Me Not

Let men hand me troubles so that I would steep it for tea
Grind up worries so that they may add fluff to bake
I need not my schedule for another morrow’s dance
Everywhere I follow the holes in the clouds
Where rays stride through and reach from heaven
Just to golden my hair and lighten my step
So let me boil mountain waters
And gain nutrients to fast by, through this tea
I would not go without knowledge
However, I can devour terror at my doorstep
Do we need so many canopies to protect us from above?
What causes us pain but men walking without love
There is no fear of monsters to the blind
All is unknown, yet it is easy to discover
Hear but to listen for the first time
Unplug your ears from the sockets your neighbors
Do you forget, we all grow upwards
When an apple is plucked from the boughs
Does the tree miss the fruit as its child
Or does it just feel one apple lighter
If all mankind were fat and full it would still produce
Because our hunger is beyond the fruit of this earth




How is love able to break hearts yet mend them at the same time?

what is it about dried fruit and trail mix that makes me feel invincible, man i could live years off of bananna chips.

Just lean back and exhale, now take it all in:

(Your Name) Was Here

You can wear what you want to wear; the colors don’t show your soul
The tighter the clothes the tighter the mold
You can eat what you want to eat; it will all just put your spirit to sleep
What about the way we do our hair and the makeup for streetwalkers
Humans about
Once made, set a will
One OM spoken can set possessions free
Yet we discover arrows
For pleasure to poke
A collection of worn converse is a photo album
Of past days walking, dirt-grass-gravel-the works
I never knew what we leave behind for others to collect
Gum to stick me on the ground for serenity now
Humans in bliss
Forget to kiss their father
Know only their worth via a wallet
Count your shoes to know not enough
Miles to wear them
If indeed you scuff your ego sometimes, this is life
For there is not enough money to pay off regret
I’d rather go the distance and never come back
Than to hear the stories of homecomings that had never left
Humans aloof
Pondering which day they’ll die
Buy ten calendars to think they have time
A stone statue in the park
Keeps but a memory alive

Begotten

Love is liquid warmth, and I shall drink it to my death
With a passion no less than a volcano’s fragrance
And as pressured as a tsunami collapsing the innocence
Our bodies have nothing to do with beauty
The Daughters of Delphi descend from the Pleiades
And yet my closed eyes still feel the bliss
This energy has conquered me

Forlorn Forever

What makes the world go round, when there is so much resistance?
What I’ve always wanted is to do away with the wax truth
To be humble and help by sweating inside the brow
No tangibility makes me secure
A quick drop and I’ll be on my knees
Not for subdues
Forlorn forever with a smile on my face
Why do good things happen to good people when they don’t even need it?
It’s different when you find out that your boyfriend was your mother
In a another life
How about it now, this orange robe covers more than head to toe
With shrubs as my shrine and sunshine that lasts into the night
Where is the food for an empty heart,
But in a chest that’s always pierced
Love flows out into my begging bowl
To quench the dry mouths of those who have talked with me
Miles and time run circles hand in hand
Until someone steps in and gives time a rest
Then we all are able to do what we want
And what we’ve wanted we already got.
Is there something wrong with me
That I fall in love with everyone I see
Behind dark glasses or in plain sight
The eyes define a gateway where I fall every time
Why do I drink bitterness for a feeling of future happiness?
I do not suffer when a thief steals, but I am weighted moreover
For a soul that does not understand
I would give all but they still shall not smile
And they still would ask for a glass of water
If I had to wring my throat dry
All would receive enough to be satisfied
Therein lies the goblet
Where the son of man shared with twelve men
And indeed liquefied reality that night
For the world was waiting on just a drop
But it got an ocean for the future to swim
There, I pray, is hope left
One man can act for a billion
And still have time to watch the foliage unfold

"Speach is mearly for the convenience of those who cannot hear"
-Henry David Thoreau-

Free Freedom

Well don’t disguise, I can read
Free is in its name, we all can see
wisest is he who puts down his gun
and saves two souls instead of shooting at one
yet another man will send someone to heaven
before he will ever get the chance
why cant we see, all this fighting
can never set us free, its not the meaning of free
and if we find foreign men outside
yelling for someone else’s freedom
then ask them why they eat before you
ask them why they sleep in better beds
while your dreams have been found missing their heads
steel makes up cells, yet it claims to free as well?
don’t let them tell you what to believe
never let a stranger speak for your family
what we need to be wondering
instead of who might be the enemy
is where they’ve hidden freedom
its nowhere to be seen
free freedom, before it looses it wings
free freedom, before it forgets how to sing
free freedom, it will know what to do
free freedom, with it you can not loose
some people say that freedom isn’t free
but I disagree, we all deserve to be free
it is definitely worth fighting for
but when you have to fight those
who claim to fight for freedom
then it is a self defeating war
we are no better off than before
so step back and inspect
the motives that involve men and their money
for one country cannot see well the borders of another
and can only act but with its own head
when one family can go out and play
on a green lawn waving to the neighbors
how can they know the right words to say
on matters of fellow men
who fear walking by their windows
because their neighbors were crying yesterday
I cannot vote for an army of my countrymen
to give back a country to its own citizens
by taking force against them
while shooting at the people to keep them safe
what sense does this make
when death can protect our children
from suffering a long life
who is a traitor against their birthright
when we give freedom on paper
and keep it safe in a cage
free freedom, before it looses it wings
free freedom, before it forgets how to sing
free freedom, it will know what to do
free freedom, with it you can not loose

30 Day Wine

Feeling like a dope machine, want to break me down
Snuffing the skiff on the skibby
Nothing more to reach me but a Polaroid
And grasping the grapes on the ground
I fertilize and I repent
I recycle and yet we forget
Carbon has made up, laws have tested
A soul to pull up and a string to tie knots
Keep the meat and realize the insides
With a samurai to knife his own door
And an Enzo to mark entry in the world
Herd a voice and tackled the words
A light to make light unknown
Things sprout while time graduates
The facts loose their footing after 30 days
Wisdom needs no warranty

Singing for the Seeds

Singing on forgetting
Forests are relenting
Bambi knows, if you’re not cute you go
The creatures lost their love for living
While dying for giving
Men don’t need
More
More for weeks beyond and before
And when a mind has made up
That god bestowed
Some power for men to imagine power
And be gods of their own every dinner hour
To think we know our needs
Our taste is acquired
Over
More over instinct is fired
The pestilence has hold
Blindness unfolds for every hit
Addiction applied
No ones admitting
I’m alive despite your giant shadow
A head to big to think for its own
Fueled by a green origami hamster
Speaking your thinking
The voice of millionaires
Just happens to be heard
For your best interest
Amazing or just a glazing?
On a garden is where I confide
Footprint next to paw print
It’s not a law but against the way
By living through loving
Is a warm bed at night
At the end
Respect as if
The self in thyself
Myself is yourself is connected milk
Under the sun, wonders expand
Dirt turns to sand and replenishes
A dropped berry
To chance but grow a hundred berries
Dough rises to reflect
For, there’s no mystery
Why the seeds grow

"shoot. you got to respect old people. they got wisdom. a young buck cant handle it, wisdom will kill you in a second."
-bob the truck driver-

A wise teacher once said to me, a mature person is one who can live with paradoxes.

La’Boom: French Lightning

You think you know how to smile?
What it is, what it does
A foolish fool waiting to suck up the breeze for a while
And a mistress tossing her red dress in the snow
But talk about
A discourse untranslated,
Straight from the books of writing eyes
Lips to lips, big toe over small
And a cornucopia liquefied for ink
But talk about
Its how your color your picture
During turbulence on an airplane
A fabulous mistake
And a snoring suit to keep you awake
But talk about
Velour women with styrofoam men
A liaison between flutters and flout
Still, stores are overstocked with cases of giggles
And too many super sized lives to count
But talk about….
What’s left but the blackness in my ear?
And the same noise from yesteryear
Blah blah blah in a library of candles to lighten
Yada yada to dilute the flavor
I’ve heard it and still will
When a lightning bolt speaks
It has something to talk about

No comments? Jeez I must be either flabbergasting my readers or paralyzing them with boredom...i think the latter

Being vegan has its ups and downs,
I’ve found it difficult to explain my reasons if someone hasn’t contemplated it themselves
simply because we all think differently and reason what we will
but I have also found that people are deeply interested in it as well
although they have not the strength or caring capacity to stop doing something they know is self defeating
we got into a conversation about diet at work, and you can imagine a bunch of manly men
set in their own ways late in life, men who lift furniture and drive big trucks for a living,
and someone brought up that they don’t eat any pork,
and others agreed that they try not to, mainly because it is one of the least healthy of the acceptability consumed animals
but the guy who first proclaimed he didn’t eat pork had different reasons
one being that it is a dirty animal to begin with
and also that eating this type of farm animal also produces a mental change
for instance
these animals live in fear and that produces hormones in their blood that is consumed in the meat
so, he suggested, that this fear is passed along to those who eat it
I understood it as a more spiritual/mental degration, which he was hinting at
but didn't come out with it because it may have been a taboo
but my question was, or rather I stated, I didn’t eat any animals, for slightly those reasons
why did this theory apply to only pigs
these fellows saw no substance in this, but merely food for their empty bodies
One agreed that they would like to be vegan, but had not the moral strength to do so,
maybe he felt this way as we all would like to travel the world or be millionaires
but how is it we can hold back other passions, for we know they too are wrong, and not hold back when it comes to food
is it that we are already conditioned to the idea of necessary death for a meal
for me it takes little moral strength, once I was properly informed I could not pretend I didn’t know, for to betray myself is to scream mutiny and jump overboard
I do not wish to be blind when it comes to what’s on the inside, and I simply do what I believe is right
while others seemed to just think this fools talk, and possibly blasphemy against America itself
it needed to be known where I stand, although my reasons were not detailed or convincing
I was still respected
and it is known that I can work twice as hard with a clear conscience and a good PB&J

There’s gold in one of these holes

It’s the last of feelings emptied from the corner store, and yet there’s no need to be addicted. Have you ever heard of a happy disaster? This fridge is hollow, except for some leftover shake and bake blues, a hole in my sock and that unadjusted wedgie caked to the door handle. What a selection! Doubt if I make one at all, for to be undecided among a choice of fools creates a great recall for flavor in my life. A hole in the pocket is better than air conditioning in the winter.

Fingers of God

If I were to act without thinking I would be a finger of god
And if I were to die tonight, it wouldn’t be the first time
Perchance I live but another day
It would only be to wipe the dust away
For a sleeping giant lies in these hills
Ready to awaken at mornings promise
Forever waits yet another eve
And my skin still blankets what I can’t help to believe
It is just that, the potential destiny and looming uncertainty
That propels me to start life floating along the canal
It is there that I get layered and accustomed
Warmed up and numbed, growing our elite opposable thumb
But what is it all for,
Only to peel away and cry with the layers
Then to find that our substance is all the same
Nothing special, nothing to gain
But connected at the heart and surviving on shared love
This is the essence that keeps me at bay
Or rather, keeps me here for another day

First-Aid As A Last Resort

I am oblivious to the world around me, yet I know it through a single action
I am lost in the vat that separates skin and soul.
It is not being perfect in what I do,
It is knowing that I have given it all a chance to be perfect
What do we discover through searching but our own ends
It means being satisfied, but you have built your own cubicle
With wood grown without wisdom and nails forged from another’s sweat.
So it is that I know,
Thinking with a first aid kit puts education in rear seat
Still, the rain will come when you need it, and also when you don’t.
So slip sometimes and stare back at the sky with a fury
The drops will clear you eyes quick enough
Grace always has a purpose and soon we will all have this moment

Live for the Dead

If you want to hear that sound of freedom in your ear
You got to make that choice
You got to make that choice

If you want to hear that sound of freedom in your ear
You say no war today
No war today

Now, it don’t matter where you were born, you know right from wrong
It don’t matter what creed you go by, you know right from wrong
You gotta’ use your head
Yea use your head

You got to do what’s right
And live by your word
You see people dying
You better know it’s absurd

You got to do what’s right
And live by your word
You see people dying
You let your voice be heard

If you want to hear that sound of freedom in your ear
You got to make that choice
You got to make that choice

If you want to hear that sound of freedom in your ear
You got to vote today
Yes, vote today

Now, it don’t matter what you say it’s what you do
It don’t matter what you do if it don’t feel right to you
You gotta’ live for the dead,
Yea live for the dead

You got to do what’s right
And live by your word
You see people dying
You better know it’s absurd

You got to do what’s right
And live by your word
You see people dying
You let your voice be heard

Grain
It’s like walking on sand
With your feed dug in
Millions of grains on your skin

The solar system would stop spinning
If one was unaccounted for

Bless them for entering your day
Forgetting time and sending it on its way
I will forever love the act of recognizing god

a new section where anyone can leave comments on a post is avaliable, simply click the comments at the bottom of the post...let me know the truth.

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

"You cannot seperate the just from the unjust and the good from the wiked;
For they stand together befor the face of the sun even as the black thread and the white are woven together."

"Your daily life is your temple and your religion."

"For in that day oyur shall know the hidden purposes in all things,
And you shall bless darkness as you would bless light."

"Work is love made visible."

-Kahlil Gibran-

"Let him who wipes his soiled hands on your garment take your garment. He may need it again; shurly you will not."

"Sin does not exist except insofar as we have created it. It is we, therefore, who must destroy it. If we choose to make evil it exists until we do destroy it. Good we cannot make, for it is the very breath of the universe; but we can choose to breathe and live in it and wish it."

-Kahilil Gibran-

I am reading a book on the life of Kahlil Gibran, a very interesting and profetic man who was born in Lebanon. I will update with further quotes that may come of it. Take what you will.

Seems to me that we have proper protection of religions from the government, but the government has no protection from religions. We have separation of church and state, but man is the church and the state requires men to govern. Alas, laws can not tell us how to think yet religions can, and lawmaking requires much thinking.


Sediment for the Masses

You look at me and think I got the magic hand
So come stand in line if you see you name in the sand
But know that soon the waters will wash it all away
If you don’t see a blank canvas in the sky
And the colors of world ready to be drawn
Then what’s the use, what’s the use
You might as well just sell your eyes and be blind
Seems that you mind has always been lost
Spent your thoughts climbing a latter to the top
But once again you’re tired of ringing in
Well when the world has sunk in so deep
It makes you loose control of your feet
I say let the tide come in
If it means the permanent can’t last
As long as you stop being hand fed by the man
And your toes go the way they want to go
Its all for show but I’m not sure
What will come tomorrow
Will we be clothed by the blankets of dawn
Or fed with the cream puff clouds overhead
But my worries easily float away
Down shore, up shore
With the seaweed and nothing to say

What is this feeling inside
That must be warming me
It’s a bleeding flower growing on a dogwood tree
My body is fishing like a Christian, but my mind sits like them Zen
My voice has been known
To speak hadiths every now and then
While the eightfold path is easy to see
There is only one traveler and I wish it were me
In due course of burning karma
I seek what it means to follow my dharma
My religion is the search
Without this search
The world has lost its meaning
When it is found
Everything will be no thing
Like dirt under my feet
The infinite is all around

Saw Biker quacker recently, he's still quacking and im still quacking back. im down with the quack, he wasn't on a bike this time though...
School's out till Thailand

Zen Man Walking

The zen masters are all around
They have never heard of zen
These masters are easily overlooked
-sleeping on park benches
-wandering with the wind
They are quick with their tounge
Yet quicker to do nothing but sit and enjoy the day
Zen is their way of life
Not their excuse from life
They are determined to do what comes to their head
Advice to all who heed their inappropriate inspiring utterances
To know zen is to live outside
Outside prescribed boxes and treadmills
These men do it well
Without thought to zen
They walk easily
Without even knowing
They have mastered it all

its nice outside today, my plants are growing well.

Green Carrot
The use of money seems to be just as the carrot is to the donkey, leading us on with sweat on our brow, until we reach our deathly destination. We hope for that reward, and indeed we get an insatiable piece now and then, but the whole of the carrot is never devoured. This burden is something I wish to escape, but I know not how. This carrot has been worshiped enough to the extent that it has godly powers over men, controlling who lives and who dies. There is no refuge even in my land, because it is expected that I pay for the use of my country. Where can I go that I will live in peace without being in debt for my happiness? For even a child cannot be born without owing something to a system that it does not choose to belong. I love our people, but that does not imply consent to their beliefs, or their actions.

The Mental Block in a Beverage

“The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent any thing, it is very likely to be my good behavior. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” - Henry David Thoreau in Walden-

Just as Thoreau refused all alcoholic drinks because, so he said, they might destroy his taste for water, I say, killing germs is the only thing alcohol is good for. But yet it seems it has been adopted as this nation’s coveted and single indulgence, a reward at the end of a hard day’s work. Yet, in adults and teenagers alike, it is also a vehicle for escape from this very system we call a nation. Again, my opinion is that if an escape is needed it can be obtained simply by flipping on a mental switch which can just as easily distort perception, without the headache or drunken stupor. This is my “high”, as some may put it, all while legally and pleasantly gained. Though, I see that most do not have to courage to apply themselves directly in solving their own problems, or even to use more energy than they have to for making themselves feel good. I see it all around me, and as the quote above states the core of my feelings, it is as if I’m the odd man out. To see that it is so accepted and never questioned makes me quickly interrogate my own conscience. For there must be something wrong, with me…or as I finally concluded it must be something wrong in those whom I observe using this substance. I regretfully admit to experiencing this drunken state, some three years ago at the age of 17, and resolved to never intake it again. Is it that I have matured much quicker than my peers?, for the majority that I see pays no thought to the morality and physical implications that this voluminous intake of alcohol creates. I feel that it would tear down all the morals I hold, some do not understand this, but I am my own harsh judge and to have drink would be to go against my nature, and I say it’s against my religion, for I see them as the same. I suppose some drink out of something society labels “peer pressure” and others may drink from normality, as derived from family and friends. But very few at my age drink for the savor of taste, which in a beverage is necessary for full enjoyment. So, it is that they must drink for drunkedness - a state of drowning life and purpose, as I see it. Undoubtedly it changes personal qualities and emotions, only temporarily. Some welcome this change because they depressingly don’t like who they are, and looking for the quick and easy way out, resort to alcohol in hopes they might like who they become. This, to me, is the most painful part of humanity to know, for us to think that substances can change us positively. Rather, I hope most will realize, as I do, that any change must start in the mind, be it physical or emotional. There are no external objects which can create change on the inside. This mind is the most powerful form of “alcohol” or any substance, for it does as the will commands; as a high state of consciousness can just as easily be obtained by climbing high in a tree. This state of mind, derived from mental tribulations, easily creates a fulfilling peace and this is worth the effort – and, if the individual is willing, it can remain permanent. As I say it is merely hope that I hold for this to be understood because I do not hold myself to be one to educate or preach, or even use actions to affect life changes on others. As to my writing, I simply hope to invoke further thought in the reader, and do not expect change, for this must come about by the individual, in his or her own realizations. This is the only effective (and also highly enjoyable) way to reformation and enlightenment. So just ponder and discover where it is you want to go. Know that what we put in our bodies deeply affects our mental perceptions and can support or degrade the happiness we seek.

Dandelion Queen Running Quick Through Me

You’re not a double chocolate sin, but I know who is
No, not a sin but I know what is
Blank faces, blank hands, fueled by logs of egotism
I write my name down in the dirt
The people laugh until it makes them hurt
You see them rolling around with tears in their eyes
It makes you wonder if they’re really alive
It makes you wonder what you’re doing here
But that’s a story for another day,
That’s a story for another day

Well it just so happens I’m walking down the street
Brothers always giving me peace and love
The most I can do is give it right back
It feels so good to give it right back
I smile and greet, and give it on to the next
The Dandelion queen sees all that’s been seen
So don’t back me up when I say it’s not right
I don’t need, I always believe
The Dandelion queen is running quick through me

Bound to be something someday
Round the corner to the next
Now I don’t need any of your names
For energy represents itself
So special, indeed it is
Knowing that all the words don’t mean a thing
All our actions would be missing something
Without out a loss
There is no gain
So forget all the pleasure and go for the pain

Oh I found the double chocolate sin again
It’s just an arms reach away
But something’s there that wasn’t there before
Too many sparkles of sugar
A sweet tooth outshines its glamour
I just don’t feel tempted anymore
All this stickyness has gone away
I’m just so much cleaner than I was before
I simply enjoy sitting cross legged
On the beach, on some dirt, on any carpeted or hard wood floor.

Pressure to the Way
I look at you
With not judgment nor contempt
Ignorance is not a luxury permitted to me
With knowledge comes morals
And morals rightly confine actions
For to scale one of these internal walls
Is to raise chaos in the head
No, I can not choose this devolvement
That which my heart knows deeply
But my head wants to forget
Its not suffering or pleasure
It is living with the way in mind
Conscious activity should not be denied nor pressured.
It is this that can shake hands with a lion,
And allow life to take its course

A Goddess Took My Senses

Bear arms, bear neck
Then look upon curves
Desire, lust, love?
What have you,
Flypaper for eyes to stick upon
A flick of hair
A bat of lash
A vacuum every time
You know not what you do
What we are is what we see
Water to reflect on the surface
Or pierce deep into the unknown
Two ways in which
An open heart bleeds to insanity
Every cent of time paid
To glazing eyes over a golden goddess
Is only but sense setting off to wander
I know agony, burning alive
For I can’t renounce
Romance is a leg I can’t cut off
For to notice the beauty is not to lust
Not to obtain and defile
But to give love and feel equal on both sides
For the unsurpassed perfect nature
In which these bodies walk
Must be as miraculous
As the feet of Jesus standing on water
The feeling felt is to want nothing
But for the moment to consume all time
An exploding star needs sunglasses
To see as my eyes do see

The Oldest trick in the Book

What’s it like,
To follow blindly
Trusting in gravity
Ups and downs.
There’s no need to look
Stop and smell smiles.
Breathing becomes
Just an option,
Take or leave
This task of living.
My cup is full
But my soul is empty
These gadgets and the like
Have spun me
Swinging for a piñata
I can see just fine
It’s my mind that’s blind,
So I ask you,
Have you
Realized this too?


One in the Moment

It seems to me that it has always been lost to me, put into the fleeting future, where nothing ever comes true. Our goals, the very drive of our actions, seek some reward, something which will come soon, but not now. These actions keep us slaves, freedom is another song sung during our monotonous work we call life. What about tomorrow, for it will surly never come, and I will never be satisfied. So it has come down to sundown and it’s a duel between today and tomorrow, the odds are on today but tomorrow is its best friend. Its this dilemma that rips my chest open, imploding from the inside. However, I would rather have mere physical pain than this psychological wrecking ball, constantly tearing my thoughts from being able to sit quietly in the present. These demands, these people they don’t know what they’ve got. Its all right here, and to continue like this, to spend life avoiding death, is to just spend life…nothing more. It is never to live, except chemically and legally, because all our memories for something more that what we could ever have. All we do have, all we can have and all that we will ever have is this moment, this very breath that you take and all the tastes in your mouth and the smells in the air. The beauty you see now is all you ever need, and death is something that just happens, naturally, when we become one in the moment.

Way At Work

Lately I have seen the way at work. If you let it be, it just is, and that’s the way it is. When you give up, with nothing and no reason to resist, then everything makes perfect sense. There were things beyond my control and I tried to control them. This makes you inevitably frustrated, and left with an unaccomplished feeling. Depressing and quite powerless. But it is this that can set you free, to know that you are powerless is to be in accord and able to do what you do. The things that must get done are done, and the things that are hindered are not ready to unfold. This has led me to not know anything at all and not care about it. When it happens, it happens. When in this state of mind there is nothing to go wrong, it is all right. For if it wasn’t ready it wouldn’t have bloomed. This realization is torture to some, and they live in pain. For by willing events in their favor they do nothing but let themselves down and nothing can be gained this way. They keep umbrellas in their pockets, ready for the slightest drop of rain. This will never result in happiness. The way of things can not be swayed, it just is. When you let it be, it returns the favor. You will feel swaddled in the fabric of life, once you give up growing up everything is beautiful in what it is. Independence is an illusion; by simply knowing that you will be taken care of a huge weight is lifted, anything that happens is a sign, a truth, a testament to righteousness, there is good and it is everything. You can’t have anything but smiles when you know, absolutely know without a doubt, that you have no control over anything. If something goes the way you want it, good. If it doesn’t that’s good too. This is all beautiful when you realize that everything has its course, and if you act upon what’s right and not fight upstream, then anything that will result can only be perfectly right. This feeling is like a relaxing massage of the soul, inside is bliss and every day is a vacation.

Mama Dharma

It’s a nice day for words to explain
About all the radiation stabbing our brains
What’s in, what’s out, it’s only what the sun can boast
You can never point to the tip of your finger
Every moment things seep in, invisible things that don’t care about skin
It hurts you only when you know, but most don’t know who they are
Is it two things, mind and matter,
Is it two things, life and death,
Or just one
One that can’t think beyond your next breath.
Our dharma used to call us for supper
But we have since invented a drive though purpose
To fit neatly fold into our purse
I curse, how I curse the horns that attempt me in the night
There are few who are left with virgin necks
For most have been silently converted
Yes it is evident, with red lust on their lips
Life has gone beyond itself
Mama dharma still drinks her tea
Back at home
Steady sips, one at a time
Counting “one, one, one”
She knows.
There is nothing but that very one.

not much going on here...just alot of reading and alot of writing papers.

Few books worth mentioning
- Seeds of peace by: Sulak Sivaraksa
- This is It by: Alan Watts
- The Bhagavad Ghita (Hindu Text)

Quotes worth metnioning
"Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's happy. Its only that. Thats all, thats all! If anyone finds out he'll become happy at once, that minute...It's all good. I discovered it all of a sudden." -Kirillov in Dostoyevsky's The Possessed-

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know that place for the first time." - T. S. Elliot.-

"There is nothing as strong as gentleness, and nothing as gentle as great strength." -unknown-

"Water can crash, or it can flow. Be like water, my friend." -Bruce Lee-

"Cows cry louder than cabbages" Henry D. Thoreau

Sitting Tiger, Pouncing Bloom

A bed of premature buds sit waiting.
Sprouting elegantly aside the paved ways.
Raised up and growing firm.
A passage which we all will learn.
Let it unfold like the jewel from a lotus,
Rooted in the mud yet ever above it.
A hand offering Excalibur to combat spontaneous woes,
A blooming lifesaver in hopeless waters,
Some bankrupt souls see gold to collect.
As others trail seeds of greed.
As every step I take is followed by some other,
I must complain,
Let the petals please.
Its impression is beyond organic.
Retain it so as not to obtain it.
Just one petal’s presence,
Is evidence of an underlying law.
Its purpose will touch,
If you leave it uncut.
A bloom,
In the state from which it flowered,
Is a tiger catching fish with its tail
Unexpected, yet pleasantly effective.

The Heart of it All

The moon is smiling,
And I am beating,
I’m a heart for something larger.
A part of something for the whole,
Oneness with the world.
Pumping with something beyond faith,
That my actions provide a greater cause.
Keeping in touch,
With a source, that’s it.
Yet as vast and flowing,
Diverse and concrete,
It keeps me,
As a heart for something larger.
Unified as universal,
One able muscle.
A hole in the night,
The moon is out.
I gave up trying,
At the very moment,
I saw myself smiling.

Fumes of Responsibility

So why is it so hard
To stop the spreading of carbon monoxide to our insides
For oxygen needs to come back again
Like punk rock from the eighties
While blocking fumes of junk Mercedes
Not to mention global holes adding to the kills
While prices rise in our monotonous bills
So how many thrills
Does it take to bake our last piece of cake?
We are all on death row,
It’s not fake, it’s our lives that are at stake.
So feeling a little out of breath without even a blow?
Just look at that hunk of metal
Taking up air on the side of the road, all show and no go
Do you feel cozy at night, all warm in your sack?
With all your contribution,
You’ve killed two families in Iraq.
All we think, before turning the key
Is if we forgot anything we need.
For it is a long journey, one of getting from here to there
Who ever said it’s not cool to care?

Wildly forming into a serial projection is what no one perceived. So cause it. Make it and bake it. Coming into a new way of sprouting like lilies intertwined. Crash like a lightning strip rushing into a long lost dream, awakening yet still dreaming. Tell me how it feels, oh just tell me, for I am just a messenger waiting for the call. Doing and do’s floating with winged shoes. Just wait a minute so you can see, revelation is a split second but contemplation is key. Without it, it was just another second in time, worthless one often talked about at alligator parties. Just live with it, as we do with our big toes, the answer to its being with soon be stumbled apon, or stubbed. Apples have no way to fall if they are picked, they can’t be ripe by the hand of man. Newton discovered the first law of meditation, sit long enough and thoughts will begin to feel like the hand of god on your head, a bit bruised but ever the more enjoyed. For peace is definitely a river, one with a pure mountain spring, and an eternally immanent source.

Knocking on a Hollow Head

I have a collective mold that has been festering
And so do you, but that’s not my doing
One who is faced with it, must deal with it
But it lingers like polluted air, a mischievous invisibility

Mirrors conquer the fears others have of you
Still, you fear yourself, like rain dropping on the vast ocean
And what to do with this parasite, the systematic injuries
Show it respect yet send it packing, Destination: Next Door.

A pencil and rusty farm tools, maybe.
But far better to run with weights
For when they are shed you will feel light as air
Then slowly, your ego will disappear

The only folks who can really laugh are those in your head
Lacking the track that was once bookmarked
I saved it for a while, for a materialistic savor
Oh how I chuckle, long johns, long hair

I’m not going anywhere, yet it seems…
Yes here is traveling faster than over there
Not lucky, and certainly not proper
I shed my clothes, live naked, and watch for onlookers

The truth, what of it, a fraction of reality
What books tell repeats what they sell, and that was once a tree
So who to believe but those with a contagious disorder
Yes my friend, an unmindful dis-order

The Criminal Ceiling

Now you arrested a little piece of my mind
Why don’t you just release it?
Am I a commodity to be bought and sold,
Commerce for freedom, does it show?
Uniformity, I’m talking about solidarity
I can’t go on with my heart in the past
My thoughts here and now with my feet waltzing into the future,
It can’t be done, even with an expanding consciousness.
For my fate lies in handcuffs with innocent guilt interrogating
What is the purpose of this mess, this obstruction of justice?
Keep dragging me along for information and actions I don’t possess
For the only thing that hinders is life progress
Now begging has lost courage because it too has been finger printed.
What is left, I question?
The drainage of soul into someone else’s wallet?
For talking gives rise to lies and thoughts don’t lie.
This system I am living in has been tailored for a smaller man,
I’m growing while my buttons are popping,
Seeing the light has led to me to attempt an escape from this height, but-
But what?
I haven’t even been read my rights.

Incapable of Structure

You may read these things but no one is able to write them
For the future holds no grudges, and offers no solace
To win we must go out and loose
Experience the cold to be warm
Individuals can relate, but we are not connected at the hip
As to why, no one knows
Only that some smile even when no hope is left
Bitter, concrete, immobile and inevitable
Wrinkles offer wisdom
There is so much to learn from the imperfect, that-
I have traded my chalice for:
The comfort of bear hands in a pungent stream,
The warmth of bark on an unreachable back
The peace in running rocks
And the reflection of god in my eyes
For all of these things can do no less
But to point me in one immovable direction

A new feeling

I want my eyes to listen while my ears search
My fingers to think while my brain grasps
My tongue to slice odor as my sent grinds iron
It is the tip of every mountain that pierces my veins
These blades of grass prod in torture
But I am safe because I know I have done no wrong
I am not the one who poisoned our mother
But there is always a catch, one more than twenty one
I am alone in feeling the soft touches of morbid vegetation
Rasping my little hairs that stand in attention
For death is near, as the poison still lingers in the air
This does not stop my drive for recantation
Repetition until the last is gone….look up
There is a hand in the darkness waiting to pull you up
And until I go I will frame this picture
So that every eye can feed upon it, hope my friend, hope.
This very picture tells me
I am employed for eternity
And if the light don’t disappear
I’ll be here
Reviving the faith obtained from the compost pile

I've forgotten the god of my fathers
expanded the church beyond stone and hands of man
I am not any less qualified to judge beauty
or less inspired through divine lightning.

Starboard Plank-walking

The courtship is about, with warm weather turning heads
The young hearts aren’t strapped in
While the roller coaster lashes with a force,
Past the thoughts of gravity
We need more than air to fuel our lives
And without it some prefer to die
What is this invisible force that divides a man’s will
Into two heads
Of course it is unmentionable
And embodied in the intangible
It is the crusade parallel to that of knowledge
But far more effective in changing the course of life
For, without these winds the sail has lost its drive,
While forgetting its purpose.

Plum out of luck in a bird's eye

As quickly as my brain can perceive, it is gone.
Extinguished the unavailable.
These steps don’t progress anywhere,
Where to fear, no where but here.
The cavities wrapped in skin are plugged with corks,
I’ve seen there are too many fish in the sea.
One by one, we aren’t content to be
Purchased the answers in a hard cover,
I never will understand the expenses of life.
Called for duty, called for vote,
But what is it called when my best interest can’t float
It’s almost like drowning ten feet above the ground
I pity the birds with their encompassing view.

Thus you can throw yourself flat on the ground, stretched out upon Mother Earth, with the certain conviction that you are one with her and she with you. You are as firmly established, as invulnerable as she, indeed a thousand times firmer and more invulnerable. As surely as she will engulf you tomorrow, so surely will she bring you forth anew to new striving and suffering. And not merely 'some day': now, today, every day she is bringing you forth, not once but thousands upon thousands of times, just as every day she engulfs you a thousand times over. For eternally and always there is only now, one and the same now; the present is the only thing that has no end.
-Erwin Schrodinger-

haven't kept up with the world lately, been secluded in my own world where I don't even understand the laws. Sorry, but email me for some support if you need it.

Still it is a thrill to hear the word from the streets. A undoubtedly ghetto fellow reminded me never to forget my dreams, don't let any one take them away. It seems to me that these men have everything to say when you give them a chance, and you cant help but know that no matter what they will say it you will go on pondering it for days. Whether it be ridiculous, to rude, to inspiring, or just plain incomprehensible, the words of a street walker seem to take us for ransom.

What an ugly wise crack of a town,
It's always so bitterly funny.
Well, now that you've seen me running,
I think I'll stick around.

The Forgotten Half of Humanity
There are so many questions in the world, but none as important as to the question of why, why are we here? I do not wish to address this question directly, only to fill in the parts that have felt emptied for so long. The feeling that we are all connected, in unexplainable ways. We've all have more than one experience that we can not explain. Some brush them off as coincidences, and others use them for as a landmark for faith. Some of these experiences can be labeled paranormal or psychic. It is these feelings and experiences that lead me to question whether there is more than phyical interactions at work during this human life. Such examples can be of telepathy, out of body experiences, clairvoyance (seeing the future or past), or just intuitions about people or places. There are claims by others that these exist, but in our western culture we just pass them by and pay no thought on the subject. These are passed by from thinking that they are mere coincidences or false impressions, but there are a growing number of people who are questioning our previous assumptions and proving that there is more to be looked at. The eastern religions and thought have been along this path for thousands of years, with the knowledge of ch'i, and a higher concisousness than this phyical body. It is easily believed and wide spread throughout the east, so why hasn't the majority of the west even given thought to these beliefs and examples. There is even a high number of people who would say they have had a psychic experience, so why do we go on with out investigating, we feel that such topics are a taboo in our western culture. These questions need to be addressed in order for us to evolve ourselves into a more human culture. What is it that we are missing as a culture or as a people, that we are so attached to the phyical and material world, in that we place so much on having a good job and the right car. Are these the things that are really important to our happiness and fufillment? Why are we satisfied with the spoon fed answers people give us, we don't go searching for different opinions. If I wanted to buy a car, I don't buy the one that comes to me first, because maybe that is the one that is more fallible, it wants you to believe its the best without looking at the others. I don't just buy that first one, I go out and search and see what's out there and base my decision off of that. Paranormal isn't heard or wide spread, it is not talked about on a daily basis even though it happens every day in our lives. It is just going out and learning about the things you question, and not taking one source or any one answer. Because in the west we have a way of limiting our information, the media and the social barriers can not allow new ideas or contrary ideas to be let in, because individuals will be questioning why we do the things we do in our country and why people have more power than others. So if its in our face and easily accessible, then it must be true, right?

The long night;
The Sounds of the water
Says what I think
-Zen haiku-

The Thief left it behind
the moon at the window
-Ryokan-

Over the river, the shining moon; in the pine trees, sighing wind;
All night long so tranquil - Why? and for Whom?

These are taken from "The way of Zen", by Alan W. Watts.

If all these people learned to talk we might have something to say, but while words have lost their meaning, there are those who still know that to communicate words are not necessary. To feel, is not to understand ourselves, to act is not to help ourselves, to evolve is not to gain insight for ourselves only. Wisdom is learned from unlearning. As a people we must see the benefit is furthering everyone for everyone, instead of personal gain. This of course is the “perfect” way of looking at things, but it is also the natural way. Nature is perfect, and the only thing that is real.



Concrete Clouds
The way the rain falls lets the concrete drown itself.
The trees can’t bear their designated square,
The dirt is blind, purpose cast aside.
With all these people, no one is alone,
Yet compassion is crime, and laws are Swiss cheese.

back like a downwind drift.

its time for a change, towards the truth. everything is made of me. i am a part of you, so do not be afraid to realize beyond that which is material.

"The taste of Zen and the taste of tea are the same"

A Thorned Arsenal

While misery has a weapon to use
I’m not going to launch mine today
And if roses came with a second chance
I would just grow them for another time
What about singing in the rain
It makes me cold when there’s no warm by my side
It makes me cold when there’s no feeling inside

Sleeping Seat Belt

The dark side sees,
The dreams turn to a liquid that slowly leaks out of my ear.
Burning so much that plastic actions can’t retain them.
Only alone in a burnt hallway, locked doors,
Floor made of keys with no holes to put them.
Farther away quick sand lies, maybe they’ll see me,
Maybe I’ll be recognized as different, although all the rust remains the same.
I’m climbing a hill made of mirrors,
It forces my face to fight me,
I’m struggling with my self, struggling to:
Put on piercings through the frontal lobe,
The left half keeps me on my toes as to what purpose is,
The right, of course, distracts me from reappearing in my own dreams,
Birthing triplets make me hope that I may stop the cycle.
Help me find my rain so that I can return it to the sea,
Wherever it may be, It is the slightest sight that slides me away,
Like mud down a mountain, a mountain I will never reach.
The rain continues to drown me; it has been piercing all this time.
A bed of needles to pass the time through dreams that leak as they always have done,
Now, here, fear is a way of life and eternity has stolen my alarm clock.

An Essay on the Use of a Poetic Entropy

The simplest poem can contain one word and still hold every bit of meaning equal to a dissertation of those thoughts that invented it. Such poems can impact to a greater extent because they are not confined to a lesser standard of definition, they are more open, and adaptable to any single individual they may glance upon it. I shall give them the name of entropies, as the scientific term is a collective disorder energy. Such poems can emanate any possibility, and with a single word can come millions of thoughts and questions, and more of a movement than any description of standard poetic appeal could. Such “entropies” might be questionable with its traditional romantic appeal, but these are barriers that must be broken in order to gain a higher plane of thought. Punctual input can also change the perception of such a word; For instance, “Truth” can bear any number of meanings but when a word appears with a minute punctuation, like “Truth!”, this can cause a different path to break away in thought such as that the “truth” is found or a sort of in your face mocking, in which can alter your original structure of “truth”. Furthermore, the question mark and others are endless punctuations which can similarly give an alternate perspective; “Truth?”. The daily form of an entropy poem is graffiti. Common occurrences such as “Love” help spread thought in a place where no thought was previously given. Also, I might add a entropy doesn’t have to be a single word, but a compact statement that contains more than the words themselves. I once saw: “$ this is your god”, strewn across a walkway brick. This is the simplest form of publication, words which are placed in one geographic place, yet travel with the people who read them. Anything that which goes about provoking thoughts opposed to the government issued ones, can be seen as entropy, as they seek to give disorder or a bit of thinking “outside the box”.

Blackout

Blackout,
A little wisdom in my tea.
Unexplainable thoughts climb the highest sequoia tree
I say, it’s higher than being about conceptually.
No more E’s please.
Back on the track of catching these elusive joints,
The meeting of meaning and mania.
Of course, they fly right out of my head.
It's expected, but what I dare to do
What most do not, gain back what has escaped.
I’m being depleted, though most see it as an outlet.
Can’t help eating to fill the hole,
That was once finely outlined with basic tools.
It's all to obtaining the pyramid, to get to the peak
Once the base has been set, so is the highest point one can reach.
As in all things that have a beginning, there must be an end and another beginning.
At least to my empty cup of tea, but how can it be tea if it’s emptied?
Blackout.

Welcome to December. Cold is setting in, here in Richomd. Pleantiful to go around, and we will all get our share...aww I love it.

No Answers

In society you are given the answers, in nature you find the answers.
This is the ultimate in questioning, weather to receive the answers, or to obtain them. What can we do best but to only trust ourselves. Therefore, the answers society gives me is not good enough, collaborated minds may be worth something, but I will not have the proof. It’s a personal battle, that I can only see one defense, which is to shield myself from making my reality that of someone else. Making uninformed decisions as to reality is not reality at all. To gain a perspective on something, is to derive at a conclusion from previously gained knowledge, but where do we get this previous knowledge. Is it taught to us by someone who was taught by someone else, is there an underlying constant that just radiates the truth? The question I am asking here is how do we know what is truth and what is just an educated guess, a hypothesis to what we believe is real. There are answers that can be based on facts, this we call science. But to a student with no relation to these facts or initial observations that revealed these facts, it is meaningless. So for an individual, the knowledge of a particular fact can be gained by a passing along sort of way (i.e. word of mouth), or by direct observation, in which case we use our previous knowledge to asses and make a conclusion involving this particular fact. Then another question arises to where we got this previous knowledge, it all stems to the truth, the roots. In my own opinion nature is the roots. By nature, it can be seen as the direct observation method as I had previously stated to gaining knowledge. This method, I believe, can be the only truth for ourselves, because we personally derive at it. The real truth I am speaking of is not of proven science, what atoms make up this tree, but rather what meaning does this tree have in relation to me. Why is it here now as I look at it, and does it contain truth in itself? Truth about what is real and what isn’t? Now confusion might set in as to why one would question reality. This is only because I am not happy to the answers I have been given, or lack thereof. So the question still lurks, and reality remains undefined to me, although it is clear that society wants to believe it has all the answers, when it doesn’t, while nature is just acting out its course for us to observe, not forcing or subdued, but pure in the way it is meant to be. Maybe the problem is that society has forced me into believing a particular reality, or that any reality exists at all, when in fact there is no division to what is real and what is unknown but said to be real. Or, even more complex, there could be a reality that is not yet even recognized. Even then facts for definition can be useless, for it is how we place meaning on things that define our worlds. Some say clothes are an important cultural aspect, while it is clear that other cultures place less emphasis on this. Which is the truth, or is there any truth in it at all? Some may say that these differences do not matter, but it clear that we make sure to feel that one is better than the other. And if we say these little differences, such as clothes or diets, do not have a right way or wrong way, then who is to say that one belief of reality is right or wrong. So I see it the fault of society that it has closed its collective senses and built up walls, which in return creates a false sense of reality. That is why nature will always be where society is not. For it is not natural for man to be told the truth instead of letting him discover his own.

The Right of No Action

The only thing I can do in life is not do something. This is the only power of choice I am entitled to, non-action. I have the right to not do many things, but yet I can’t do anything I want, the power of choice is, merely, to hold the right to not act. I do not have the right to steal what I want; I don’t have the right to kill; I do not have the right to just do whatever comes to mind; So it is I only have the right use non-action in the situations involving choice. For example if a plate of food is given to me, what are my choices? To not eat what lies on the plate is my only choice, simply because the plate was given to me to eat. To actually eat it was not a choice.
My right doesn’t lie in doing these things; it lies in not doing these things. I am not, by all means, saying that we don’t have choice to act on something; I am simply stating that I have the right to refuse more than I have the right to act. This is the turmoil of personal decisions, but the answer is more easily seen than done. For, if I do not want to pay taxes, I can simply not act to pay them. Do I have this right? Governmentally? No. Personally? Yes. I do have this right, even thought it is not lawfully recognized. However, we do according to the consequences of our actions.
I believe it is more powerful to not act and retain my right of choice, than to give my right away to the things that are really no choice at all. Those that are of no choice are the actions that are done without the recognition of other responses. Some may say that it is a weakness to not act, to choose specifically to not act. As in a fight, if I choose not to defend my self I will surly be injured, though it is my right. It might be seen as an unwise thing to do in a fight, but who has more power then? The one acting upon his emotions and using violence, or the one who simply can choose violence, but doesn’t? Surely, the one who is retaining his choice, retains much more than that.

"Accumulation is deficiency". That which we own, confines us. That which we own, defines us. To accumulate is to build our bars, one by one. There is no other escape but to be rid of the things that let us wander, to feel nothing on our sholders, to have nothing to keep us behind. This is how freedom is won, nothing is wanted nor needed - this realizalization is the enemy of capatalism, of how we are goverened. so let us be inprisoned, for it is to show that some think that having my body phyically confined means that I am also confined. For I would be more free with no choices, than to choose a meesly article of clothing to wear. Today, we have so many choices that it is paralyzing. So i wish to have no choice, and so my mind will not be forced to decide, and, therefore, be freest of these burdons.

what more can i say. limping on time, climbing vines - swing to the next. Faith has all to do with it, but only nature guides. wisdom? who is to say why one can be so far away from the next, without even the thought of sanity. We can not compare, for to judge is to put everything in a box. This is what confines many of this world, we have our own boxes - with no air holes and no views to see outside. this is a fault i am guilty of many times over, but to see it, is to see paradise on the horizon. Just like the sun, when it is visible, it is awaited to warm us.

"Osama and Saddam adopt ape child" - weekly world news

Flicker

The leaves of fall are their own form of precipitation.
A layered potpourri of changing colors,
Scattered so no ground is certain.
It tracks us about, under our feet,
Travels with us, as mud often times had done.
These branches look as if they are weeping golden tears,
They know soon they will be naked.
Some try to contain the sheddings,
Stack them in neat little piles, push them out from under their guardians.
However, it is in where the leaf chooses to fall, that I find the most beauty,
When these colored artifacts choose to adorn us,
From the time a single droplet wills its way off from home,
To let the wind decide its destination.
For in a single moment’s flicker, it is evident that each has a story to tell.
And, each has a profound effect,
On the way I perceive this world.

Head – Toes; No middle.

Once, a time yesterday, I glanced behind me.
I’ve never been dancing.
Epilepsy lights
Shared fluids
Movements embarrassed
I’ve never been in a fight.
Unnecessary rising
Egotistical cake
Unresolved endings
I’ve never been sailing.
Currency floating
Burning time
Worthless conversation
I’ve never fully rested, been naked, been alive.
What is human, but to be at fault, to contradict intellectual thoughts without thinking, being animal without being human, being human without knowing a difference in what is described as definitions. Always wanting, never satisfied.
Consumerism’s web. Nonchalant’s acceptance of incompleteness in order to be fulfilled, accept imperfections to be whole,
to be really real. The tree that is stands the tallest, is the first to be cut down. So quick to kill, so quick to use, so quick to
beat the competitor that we pay no attention to where we put the keys, or when we had to speak, when we had a meeting
with that picture in the mirror. Lost, track of time: regret accomplished. Acceptance still questioning actions, while leaving
concrete footprints in the form of sliced skin. Buy me, buy it, forget it, forget me.