ok im done for the summer and i got nothing to do, no where to go, i got to be sadated.

OK, here's the deal. This passage is me sitting out side taking sentences from peoples conversations as they walk past me. So I wrote random sentences down, and then it sounded like one big conversation...u follow? As you will read the first sentence is what inspired me because it was completely random. Each sentence is from a different conversation...and the things in parentheses are a description of things I saw.

Conversation: Outside Johnson Hall
I got alot of dead cats
Rub it in my face, Im leaving
Thanks man
Your good, ok stop
Its not fair, that was so close to victory
Its all about how you present yourself to be
Lets go your short way
Well cause I cant, I dont know why
So whats the poison for?
(cough) (written on a shirt: practice sucks, but i love the shoes)
Your falling behind here
Hey, are you leaving tonight?
What?! you dont think i wouldn't have any money
I counted it up, you can miss 28 questions
That sucks, well, call me before you leave or something
(some guys walk by carring someone tied up at the ankles, wrists, and a blind fold on. They are laughing and struggling to carry him)
Create a baracade so no one sees him
(The street lights come on)
Holla!!
I have to pee oh my god
I just want to grab a waffel in the morning except i dont want to wake you up
ARRG, 4 hit combo
Well this should be a good experience for you then
I got it professionally spray painted
ok peace

end of conversation

We just had a near life experience.

eeegggg....finals.i have pleanty of time, but i know i should be studying...eh. i dont really care, i'll just tell it how it is, if i learned stuff the i learned it. if not then theres no bother trying for just a grade..man i cant believe that its come down to this, a master race of bubble fillers, scantron kings, where letters and numbers tell me how much im worth and how smart i am. well i better go before im labeled as a failure just because i cant apply my learning through filling in circles with my pencil, my number 2 pencil because the machine that tells me how smart i am cant understand me if i use a pen.

so simple yet so true
its the afternoon sun glistening on skin that wishes to be devoured
if bliss had siblings they could hold everyones hand
alas, it turns me to see it not so, reality wears no mask
and yet it is the faces, of grim posture and degraded faith, that deliver me
at no extra charge i carry them in my pocket, to add wealth to my purse
thine eyes inspire, teach, and corrode my spirit like a father to his ill advised son
and whence set on a task, the child without walls first stumbles, then walks
learning from a stubbed toe, but at least to say there will be no more stubbed toes
it is of these men that I collectivley mold my dreams
using only the best of beards to filter wisdom
sticking quarters into slots of carbord signs designed to provoke at least some reaction
some reaction, i know not what others take, for my reaction has been a movement
the movement of wild birds to the south, for it tis not instinct that we cast our eyes south
by these who stutter, on willingness to please or hestitant for greetings,
make them the full bodied model that has eroused retinas
tis years of knowlege and pain and toothless smiles that sit not to be judged
for it is one of the simplest pleasures that we all have yet to discover
the luxury of time and watching fools hurry by pretending to be important
for i wish i were bold enough to take on the task to observe
my courage dwindles at their giving to us in need, blessings
tis so simple yet i know nothing more true
bliss sits on the corner blowing kisses only to acknowlegment

hey, my cat had her kittens!!! wicca pushed 3 of em out. Me and meaghan stayed up most of the night on friday watching Wicca, making sure she was doing alright. She had been acting funny all day, and we figured that she would have them anytime soon, she was licking herself alot and.. .um some fluid was visable. so we figured it was soon. Eventually she started going into labor Saturday morning at like 6am. She went over to her litter box and squated like she was goin poo, but her stomach was convulsing, so i picked her up and put her in the crafty box meaghan made, with a blanket and all. Well i guess wicca didnt understand what was goin on cause she kept going back to the box and we didnt want her to have the babies there. I put the litter box up on top of this counter. I then went to get some towels, and when i came back meaghan was yellin at me cause a kitten was popping out. Wicca was in the middle of the floor squezing the first kitten out. It made it out and wicca turned around and looked at it, and was startled or something cause she ran to her little box with the kitten attached by the cord..so it kinda draged and ploped into the box with her. So then wicca started licking it and then the plecenta came out with it attaching with the cord. She ate that up and bit the cord, which they are supposed to do, but it was gross..it looked like she was eating a kitten that was turned inside out. So the first kitten was the one that is all different stripes and colors. So she kept licking and like 5 mins later she started having the second one, which came out slow but good enough. So then she repeated the same with this kitten, which was all black and fat faced. This one was the loudest and kept squeeling, sounded like a bird and pig mixed together. So she licked it and bit the cord and all. After another 5 or 10 mins she started having another one, which wicca didnt even get up for. she looked tired and this one kinda slid out slowly, and she didnt pay too much attention to it...maybe she didnt even know it was there. eventually we pointed it out to her and she did her thing. this one was all grey and the only boy of the bunch. After they were all out , we took them and rubbed them with the towels and gave them back to the mommie. they drank her milk and wicca slept. they are so small and fit into the palm of your hand. their eyes dont open for about a week and they all are different colors.

"When we are a child, we are like a camel. the camel gets down on its knees, and baggage and many things are placed on its back. once it has as much as it can carry, the camel ventures out into the desert. Then it is the desert that turns the camel into a lion, and the more the camel carried the stronger the lion is. The lion then goes and fights the dragon, and "thou shall" is written on every scale of the dragon. The strong lion defeats the dragon, and ventures off to be the child again. free spirited, out on its own"
-some ancient proverb...its about life and socitey burdoning a person. Let me know what you fell it means..





A Generic Magazine Shop
Life needs to be turned on and my face is the switch plate
Is it revoultionary to be me without getting a handshake
All I see is you passing fears at the dinner table
Please pass the salt as air has had a better taste
Now, to wonder why we changed the style of fashion
I can't keep up with rules that run faster with pumped up shoes
I dont want to see my self in a magazine with someone who looks just like me
I was uneducated, cold bold faces attacked me like the day I was born
Now I know because of easily accessed words
Words that are repeated without my brain interfering
Really, it's not true, my secret path has been paved over
Im collecting the toll for a four lane highway
I'll allow you all to come in but my face wont budge
Ive stopped the electricty to my smile because my brain couldnt pay the bill
Tissue was writing checks that blood couldn't cash
Oxogyen pays the bills around here, and it was sent for a checkup
Spent all its cash on back alley plastic sergeons who told it what to be
The token brain was in the waiting room reading up on the latest type of cleavage
All while his thoughts were plotting a riot hoping for knowlege to go on vacation
Man has been blemished from the end of four feet - to four feet taller on two feet
Though it has always been said a beautiful berry is bad to eat
Why do we let our eyes be the landlord, how do they know when they don't see inside
Its time to be turned inside out, like a bad episode of star trek
Pinning my heart to my forehead would be less bloody than emotion starting a civil war
I just have to realize there is more to loose on the inside
So why does green sooth us so, so much so that fingers take on mind of their own
---or maybe its the mind taking on fingers of its own---

A midsummer's snow shower is always alone
For 7 days and 4 weeks and 9 months
Time is described as numbers without life
Just a visual aesthetic and the makings of a cage
4 letter words describe graffiti over graffiti
4 stall walls don't quite reach the ground
Dangled dust from falling trees dresses the cement
And all this shows more than one number intends
A year passes by like cancelled days on a calendar
Looking and hoping for the future to come
But it's stuck in traffic during rush hour going into the sun
And you're waiting at the door with lit candles on the table and roses
5 minutes late, 20 minutes late, an hour late
Late like the first time blood was missing
A feeling of number control, it has confined you with too many to count
Bubbles have a longer life expectancy when you don’t watch them
Just like a butterfly clock with red spotted wings
Beauty distracts and slips away with the color of leaves
Don't delay that run, skip, or jump for there may not be another chance
Verbs in a basket make a picnic to eat with fingers
Disbelief of the future leads you to the fountain of youth
So make haste and recycle metal on your wrist
The road to reality is not the next left at the oak tree; it's under your feet.

feeling this pressure
wanting to lay down and melt
feel everything around me
becoming the ground
blend in with the sand
skin turing to grains
dont want to be seen
but i feel everything
i want to become apart
laying down thinking of nothing
ignorant shall i read
to become so small
that nothing cares
about being blown with the wind
spread across the world
all different pieces
distanced so far
i want the feeling of one
becomming one by falling apart
strung in with this world
so common
no one sees
im ashamed to be named
in the same catagory
wanting the feeling of dirt
dust kicked about
moving on to where no one cares
becomming apart
now i just lie
extremedies spread
creating a kite
shutting my eyes
knowing im not here
im going somewhere
blending in with surrounding
thinking im no one
thinking im not even there
molecules connected
becomming apart

Eh, im trying to keep up with it all. I want to do so much but I never seem to get around to it. Dont worry, my spirt is still alive. As of right now, i am weighed down with alot of work. I finished reading Tristian and Issult (roman romance novel) and i have to finish Ovid's The art of love and write a paper on that by this wed. arrg. im used to being lazy and having time to think. Well I will leave you with a quote from Ovid relating to recent events with the war, of course love and war can be seen as the same:

Always, O race of man, your wit has been your disaster,
Cleverness, bent on gain, proved a calamitous loss.
What was the use of surrounding cities with turreted ramparts,
Arming your hands for war - what in the world was the use?
What was the ocean to you? The land should suffice for contentment.
Why not covet the sky, greedy for triple domain?

Now I’m going to say what you want to hear
And then I’m going to get on top and say s**t you can’t bear
Telling the truth about all the hypocrisies
And your life and what is really there
Stop hiding, lying, your only digging so deep until you find
That your feet have got your life turned into quicksand
It will slap you harder than your wife when she finds there’s no band on your hand
It’s all just to help no matter if you’re ready or not
No matter if you’re caught with a damn waste of pot you bought
Why are you waiting for life to make you old
Waiting for someone to put you into a choke hold
A little force just like everything you know and say is your life
It’s not yours, its all open doors but don’t forget to speak softly and carry a knife
Now all I’m saying is not to fight back the same ways
Just like following all the failures in your life, and getting lost in their haze
It’s an example of what you will become so stay clear of that road
Feel like being locked in a room with a tv and a couch with cigarette holes
You lost the key and all that liquor is building up to pee
Now that feeling of self contain, you can’t even get out of your brain
You hear them say knock knock, you don’t care who’s f***ing there
You just want to get out of this and breathe new air
The walls are throbbing with the pills you’ve been popping
All the while the tv has been getting louder and louder
The screen has turned into a mirror and all you see is your life in black and white
You say how can this be when all I did was sit on this couch and watch tv
Maybe that’s what it's gonna take for you to realize
It’s not the size of your brain or how many pockets you got
It’s not all the people you know or how many words you got
You say you have dreams, you got visions
But it’s all a repeat of what you’ve seen on television
Panic and sweat are met with a hand shake only hoping
That the rest of society will relate with the same time and date
Maybe you can find a spot in your busy schedule
Maybe you can stop the squeaky headboard
But it’s all just to keep your mind from wandering off
Keep it from knowing the prison bars are not far off
But why do I care what you see when you don’t even see me
I know there’s no way no one can understand what I got to say
I see things beyond getting up and ready for today
Trying to help you when you toss away a weeks pay just to get laid
Picking up your trail of empty bottles and boxes and bad habits
But maybe you don’t know and will never get it
And maybe you know and go lower and choose to forget it
What ever the case, what ever your truth is
Just know a man is measured by how he measures other men
Is judged by his own judging and by his own hand
So forget every thing that I’ve ever said
Weather its something you’ve read or something you took from what I said
Because you were born knowing the truth and it’s not out there somewhere
Not where you can read it or out where people preach and believe it
Inside lies the greatest treasure, even unlocked and no key to lock it
Now be willing and knowing that you already know
Don’t hold your breath just be ready to know
There’s nothing crazy about thinking out of the lines, not following the signs
You don’t have to believe me but you do have to hear me
Some might wonder how to take the first step to make the last lap
Wonder what’s wrong with my hat but there’s no place you can buy my thinking cap
It’s all inside where yours and your own rules are the only ones you abide by
So stop taking other people and making them something else in your mind
Stop buying and trying to stall time
Its not up to you to make the world better in your view
Its only up to you to be you

No Seperation

Rich people wouldn’t be rich if it wasn’t for the poor people paying them to be rich
So stand aside society
Stand aside ready for change
And not the kind that you find hitting the streets
Making your heart move faster than your feet
But the kind that beats you when you think your on top
You know we’re not ready for such
But it’s begging to get out
Begging to be free
It just takes one touch to change society
-:-All time ever does is grow things-:-

New Way To Heaven

There’s another way to heaven
Another way to heaven
There’s got to be another
Way to heaven
But what you didn’t know
Is that you got to go through hell
Surfing on this array of light
Searching words to explain
But I don’t mind that I am restless all the time
Cause I need to know, I need to know
If what I’m seeing is true
And I’ve felt this way, for ever so long
I just need to be untied
Well I couldn’t believe the sight
The sight that captured me last night
Everything disappeared and there is was so clear
A figure stood, about the size of a cross
And suddenly, a lasso was upon me
Pulling me in for the kill
Pulling me with all my skin
But it will all be gone soon
Still I wish I never kissed, that dark shadow in the night
I know there’s got to be
Another way to heaven
Another way to heaven
There’s another way to heaven
But what you didn’t know
Is that you got to go though hell

Taking it Old

Well I've been riding fifteen, in my car
Waiting for the answers to fall into my sunroof
And after I've drove this far
I’ve realized you have to reach out there and grab
So go on, go on, go on and get out
So just know no one is going to tell - you the answers
You got to open your palms, open your palms
Open your eyes, reach out and grab

The world is out there
For your taking
If you want you can hug every tree
Spend all day eating ice cream
But as long as you know
You're not doing it for anybody - else
You are really going to be where you ought to be
Driving 15 – below just to feel
With all your windows down, while its snowing
Now what would be, the point of talking
All we got is all we got, silence explains it all

Sitting behind the wheel on four wheels
Now how can I think I'm not going anywhere
The scenery pushes, over the hills
And -just-to-think-that-its-all-mine
Slowing the fifteen - pull over
Time after time, running out of gas
But its ok, there’s no one to blame
It’s a new day - new life for everything
And who's to say - I won't see what-you-never-will
At least I'll never take it for granted again
Now that I know, my feet also have places to go
You just have to be - willing to give in to control
Forget about what's new - forget about it, go back to the old

Flooded Heart
At least I got this feeling one time
Over and over
Flipped up and sober
Wished the magical string
Was not so taught
At least we know the light of day
Bright and brighter
Blinded and lighter
Now we have something to compare
Suspended in thin air
For the first time we see
A miracle in everything
These floating petals
Give the wind something to dance about
Tumble and tumble
Dirt turns humble
Looking for footprints to walk in
Stop waiting for this road to be built
Standing on tippy toes to peer over the hill
Where to nowhere
No one to share
Staring down at forever settled dust
Taking that first bear footed step
Rushing through your brain, blood, and body
Feelings to feel
Belief in unreal
With every step, a mother gives birth
With every stumble, death occurs
Now climbing up slope and sliding slantways
Your heart has been set in motion
You brain will follow
Your feet will make the dust want to catch up
While off your head a stream of flowing hair will forever smile

trees. i really like trees. they are so calming and inspiring to me. when i look at any tree, i see perfectness. to me it is in complete random branching and they way each one is different that makes them perfect. it is difficult to capture the feeling swaying brances give me, it is just the feeling of life all around me. to be standing in the wind without any troubles, just to be apart of whats around you. to be born from a tiny seed, growing and branching outward, with a co-dependace with the world around you. Everything in the world is like this, we all have relationships with eachother, with trees, with dirt. most people dont choose to see it, it is a realization that most dont even recognize to exist. but we all feel it inside, the feelings we get when looking into the eyes of another, or playing in the snow. just looking outside and staring, just being in the moment and forgetting about everything brings about this extraordinary sense of being alive and playing such a small part of things around you. well thats what we need to do, just sit and forget and stare. like nothing is there and you dont have to go anywhere and you dont have to think about anyting because you are just a tree, rooted to the ground being moved by the passing wind. the flow of life around you while you flow through other things. some people look and because they dont understand they misjudge, as if your crazy, like you have no life. they may look at you and ask whats wrong or what are you doing, but you dont remember, you dont know anything except that you have been alive more than they will ever be. we have to be careful to not disturb life around us, the passing ants and the branching trees, even if they do get in "our" way. well its not our way, its just the way, no ones to claim. everything is existing in the way it was ment to be, so when we change this, we scar ourselves, we stop ourselves from being alive in true life. why create your own world if it is not real, why belive that one thing is better than another, that one way is better. it is all right, and if it happens then it is ment be that way, why change it. changing our world just puts us farther and farther into a cave, keeps us blind from the real world and what life is really about.

dropped copper

when i reach for the stars and come back with a handfull of
not tall enough
im not afraid of the things i know nothing about
to embrace them is stepping in front of the
ask for spare change
so we go to sleep and wake up and repeat
read the next step on the list of
never going to make it
in what mold do we shape ourselves
believing moving pictures at the
stealing bread
always left wondering how we got to this point
grey brissley beards left seeds to grow out of
never smart enough
so it is, time has come and wraped along your leg
pulling down and falling while grasping the
picking up dropped copper
i know when you dont fit into the puzzle
you get thrown and forgotten with the rest of
not tall enough

Tree Tied
I am tied here to this tree by a leash
The tree is tied by its growing roots
The roots are dug into moist ground
The ground is wraped in miles around
All around is lifed tied to the earth
So the earth is what I am holding down
Tied it back with my selfish leash
Then my disturbance in peacefullness
Will scar the mother more than I can know
Nothing will be left to cherish
And I am worried about being tied to a tree?

Taking it like a champ, believing im going to end up drinking the cool water holding the belt. But reality is my enemy finding new ways to beat me. The kicking while im down marks the outside, but the looks and feelings explode my inside. It would be nice if the sun shone just for one day, and in that day i could do everything a normal fighter does, not stopping to obey the rules, not thinking I'm a fool. Just being what I do best, crave the existiance that gives to the hands that feed the monster. Raping is his discharge, leaving me to scrabble for my energy, changing me from within. Meeting a chance to fight with my old personaliy only to begin the cycle again. Who are these people that know me, to say my type and what my goal is. Should I believe them if I dont know the answer?

I had an idea to make a vw beetle look like a ninja turtle..get the paint job to look like a ninja turtle...i copywrite that idea. im a fat dorkus.